Codependency. It may seem romantic, needing someone every second of the day. But it’s not. It’s dangerous. It can strip you of who you are at your core and turn you into someone else.
When I was in grade 12, I became infatuated with a boy. He seemed to fill in all of my gaps, and because of this, I always needed him around. I couldn’t do anything or be anywhere without him. He felt like the puzzle piece I thought I was missing.
He used to stay with me in the library after school until it came time to catch the bus to work. He used to tell me to text him when I got to work, so he could make sure I was safe. I always did. He had this way of making me feel safe.
Then came time to apply to university. He and I applied to the same places, and eventually accepted the same offers. The thought of losing him after high school gave me more anxiety than any final exam ever did. I made him go to prom with me. I made him give me a promposal. I tried to make him love me.
It was pathetic, but I didn’t see it that way.
Eventually, the first day of my first year at UTM arrived. We both had cars. Instead of taking separate cars and going about our own days, we decided to carpool. Every single day. It just gave me another excuse to always be by his side.
This kind of attachment began to affect my mental state. When he wasn’t with me, texting me, or calling me, I couldn’t feel anything. I would drown in loneliness. Every second away from him made me fall deeper into my own anxiety.
We weren’t dating. We were just friends. I constantly convinced myself that he didn’t need anyone else other than me. But when he decided to talk to other people, I gave up. Or tried, at least. He would tell me about the people he was talking to, and I would listen. He would call these people in front of me, and since we were never apart, I would listen.
I thought he and I were in love, and he was all I needed. Since we were so codependent, I alienated myself from my other friends and became nothing but a shadow of his personality. But attachment is the complete opposite of love. Love is supposed to make you happy, but this codependent relationship said, “I need you to make me happy.”
That’s where I stopped myself.
I couldn’t live like this anymore. It was a hard process, but I eventually got out of it. I started seeing a counselor and she helped me dig myself out of the mess. It taught me a lot of things. It taught me to know life without him, so I could discover life with myself.