Breaking out of the cocoon of teenagehood and spreading your awkward adult butterfly wings can happen so fast. Through this process, it is encouraged (and sometimes expected) to let go of your dependency on your parents. Whether it’s money, housing, or general support, becoming an adult means becoming independent.
I am not ready for that.
I did not go away for school because I knew my single father needed me. He needed me to keep him company at a hard time in his life. After a long-term relationship, he needed some support of all kinds from his biggest fan: me. He was hesitant to let me apply to places that required on-campus living. He said that moving away would be good for me, but I knew that he had his fingers crossed behind his back. I knew he did not want me to leave.
So I stayed.
But after a series of rude adult awakenings, I’ve realized that I cannot do this forever. I cannot hold on to what other people, even if it’s my loving father, need from me.
I know I can’t live with my father for the rest of my life. He “wouldn’t mind” keeping me. He would have those same crossed fingers behind his back and say to me, “It’s fine, stay as long as you need.” I know it.
There’s a time coming where I know I’ll have to leave him. Being an adult means being independent and making a life of your own. But it is hard to be independent when you come home after a long day full of back-to-back lectures and your dad has dinner ready for you. Sure, he does not pay full attention to you because the hockey game is on and he can’t bear to pull himself away from the television, but it doesn’t matter because he made you dinner. He cooked you a meal after your long day.
I’m going to miss being cared for…
Soon, I will come home after a long day and have no one to cook for me. And not too long after that, I will have my own children to cook dinners for after their long days. I don’t understand why my life is flying past me, flapping its aggressive butterfly wings, never stopping.
Sometimes, it seems like adulting just happens too suddenly. I don’t know if I’m ready yet.