Someone Explain Handshakes to Me…

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I had this interesting encounter over the break. I was at a Christmas Eve service at my church and I was greeting a friend of mine. Now I thought we were at that level of familiarity where it was okay to hug, but then it got weird. He went for a high five, I went for a hug, and long story short, we ended up doing the arm-worm, like two kids at a club who forgot they could use their legs to do that dancing thing.

Weird part (yeah, arm-worm-dance-thing was not the weird part): I wasn’t fazed. See, in my life, I’m what polite people call “awdorkable.” Except, I’m not dorky (does an obsession with Doctor Who count as “dorky?”) or adorable… I’m just awkward. And at this point, I have no shame – I am a proudly awkward human being!

When it comes to greetings, I just don’t know what to do with my hands (get your mind out of the gutter…be cool, okay reader?). I know what I’m doing in a hug, but handshakes? Forget it.

I once accidentally held hands with a man during an interview. Did I do that awkward thing where I held hands for too damn long? You betcha! Did I have an awesome brain fart and forgot where to put my fingers and then oddly stroke his palm? Hell yeah I did! Am I proud? Well reader, he did have soft hands…  Have I fixed my handshaking problem? Nah…

I like hugging because, frankly put, I just don’t understand the handshake thing. When you think about it, it’s a really weird way to say hello. We grip each other’s hands to establish an acknowledgement of the other’s existence. Granted, gripping the whole body isn’t better…but at least I know where my hands go, and for how long.   Handshakes always seem simple enough, until I do them.  Something always goes wrong.

Think I’m over-reacting? Observe, my fantastic reader:

Things That Go Wrong in Handshaking

  1. My hand is too stiff.
  2. My grip’s too tight.
  3. My grip’s too loose.
  4. I’m holding for too long.
  5.  I let go too soon.
  6. “Where does my other hand go?”
  7. “Where do my eyes go?”
  8. “How does one let go when the other holds on?”
  9. “OH MY GOSH GERMS!”
  10.  “OH MY GOSH MY GERMS!”

See what I mean? That’s not an exhaustive list.

Come to think of it, I might just have an over-thinking problem…

Can you relate? Leave a comment down below!